It’s that time of year again and ‘tis the season for the inevitable ‘Top 1 to 100’ or ‘Best of’ lists for what has been ostensibly been deemed as the best holiday classics. A tried and true (if not all too contrived) collection of holiday films, that just about anyone born within the last twenty to forty years can probably reiterate by memory.
Names like Miracle on 34th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Santa Clause, about a million different versions of A Christmas Carol or How the Grinch Stole Christmas would all be pretty safe bets on any list. As I googled the subject matter this fine X-Mas Eve’s Eve morn, I encountered that disturbingly familiar trend of diabetes inducing holiday cheer ridden flicks that we’ve all come to know and loathe, I mean love.
Well I’m just going to call a big fat sack of bah humbug bullshit on that tradition right now. It’s not that I don’t have any love for the holiday, it’s just that these candy coated tales of Christmas cheer have never resonated with me the way that they seemingly have with millions of others. Due in no small part to the fact that my mom was (and still is) a Jehovah Witness, so there wasn’t a candy cane, magical reindeer or tinsel drenched pine tree within a thousand yards of my house during the holidays. So that being the case, I always had an oddly outside-looking-in perspective to all things jolly this time of year. And just to be fair, thanks to my grandparents, my siblings and I were able to indulge to a degree in the festivities as long as we partook over their respective houses.
And as anyone who has celebrated Christmas through the eyes of their grandparents, I certainly received more than my fair share of gaudy 3-striped tube socks and ill-fitting Christmas sweaters. Maybe that’s why I developed the same jaundiced view of the holiday season as Ebenezer or the Grinch. Who knows? So a big fat Bah Humbug to all and hope you enjoy my Contrarian’s List of Christmas Classics.
- Die Hard (Fave Quote: Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.)
- Trading Places (Fave Quote: Hey. Back off! I’ll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.)
- Batman Returns (Fave Quote: Life’s a bitch, now so am I.)
- Nat’l Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (Fave Quote: When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.)
- Gremlins (Fave Quote: You say you hate Washington’s Birthday or Thanksgiving and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas and people treat you like you’re a leper.)
- Wonder Boys (Fave Quote: Now, that is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.)
- The Nightmare Before Christmas (Fave Quote: Eureka! This year, Christmas will be – OURS!)
- Scrooged (Fave Quote: If you TOUCH ME AGAlN, I’ll rip your goddamned wings off! Okay?)
- A Christmas Story (Fave Quote: No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!)